


Altschmerz

by Kiffypoof



Series: Out: The Series [2]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Depression, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2018-01-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 13:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11784156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiffypoof/pseuds/Kiffypoof
Summary: They made it.Baekhyun and Chanyeol came out in front of their fans.Now can they withstand the wave?





	1. Prelude

 

> _“Out of frustrations, out of desperation, out of disappointments, out of mediocrity. out of idleness,out of limited insight, out of difficulties, out of insatiability, out of poverty, out of pain and the vicissitudes of life , so many people shall come to a conclusion that nothing is worth living for; not even what is solemn and sacred but, some shall always turn the woes of life into great land marks and indelible footprints worth emulating”_  
>  ―  Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

* * *

* * *

 

**[BREAKING] Hallyu star ex-group EXO member rushed to hospital in urgence.**

Thursday,  May 28th

_Multiple sources, including members of the recently disbanded group, EXO, have announced via social medias that one of their members has been rushed to the emergency of Seoul General Hospital. The member was found lying on the ground of their apartment around 7:50 pm on Thursday night. Upon hearing the news, the fans of the record breaking group went to the location in order to pray for the safety of the member. The name of the exact member nor the reasons behind have been disclosed for privacy. News outlets haven’t been able to enter in contact with neither the medical team nor the members of the group since the announcement. This event arrives months after members Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol announces of their homosexuality at their last concert as a group._

_We pray for the member’s safety and good recovery._

Source: Dispatch

**Tag: EXO**

 

**RELATED ARTICLES**

**1- Byun Baekhyun and Park Chanyeol announces that they are homosexual at goodbye concert**

**2 - Celebrities react to Chanbaek homosexuality reveal**

**3 - EXO members warns fans about malicious comments on fellow members Chanyeol and Baekhyun**

**4 - 10 times the Chanbaek couple subtly revealed themselves of being together.**

 

**Comments - 40 729**

[+10,230,- 230] Please be safe.

[+5,000,- 9,560] I hope that the member is either Chanyeol or Baekhyun and if, it is, indeed one of them, they can die. Gay people shouldn’t live either way.

   [+16,987,- 230] HAVE YOU HEARD YOURSELF? HOW CAN YOU WISH DEATH UPON A HUMAN BEING?!?! WHO CARES IF THEY ARE GAY. THEY  ARE STILL HUMANS!

[+ 900,- 750] Homosexual people AREN’T HUMANS! They are rodents that deserves to be exterminated. You are just protecting them because you are one of their brainwashed fans.

[+1890,-800] Anyways, the whole group is probably queers so, good riddance.

[+9,060,- 7,000] I CANNOT BELIEVE SOME OF YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK LIKE THIS. WISHING DEATH ON OTHERS BECAUSE OF THEIR SEXUALITY. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!

[+19,920,- 10,000] BYUN BAEKHYUN AND PARK CHANYEOL CAN DIE BUT DON’T TOUCH THE OTHERS! THEY AREN'T SICK!

    [+7,906,-8,650] You should be the one dying after writing this. You ungrateful little bitch.

**Load more comments**

* * *


	2. Altschmerz

_If I say that things are hard with a crying face  
_

_Will it really get better?_

_If I cry and say it hurts, who will have a harder time?_

_Everyone will be fine_

  


A man is running through the mass of individuals in the urgence section of the Seoul’s General Hospital. Dishevelled pink hair and unbuttoned white shirt but he could care less, all that mattered right now was the person who he calls his forever health. Tears were flying in the air as he made his way to the emergency door, the place where his other half was, either dying or surviving. He didn’t expected things to take such a tragic turn. Yes, he had dreaded a little about this when they decided to announced that they were gay at their last concert as EXO members but never had he thought that this would be their  current situation. But, as he finally arrived in front of the other eight members, his best friends, he remembers the subtle changes of his beloved. The way he stopped smiling but kept saying he was okay, the way he started to lose weight, the way he started to wear hoodies during torrid days and wouldn’t remove it whenever he was asked for it. He was somehow still him, with his hobbies and dreams, but he wasn’t himself anymore. All those little changes, yet he never caught onto the warning calls. He’s probably the worst boyfriend ever now, isn’t he? The man ran to a doctor that was coming out of the urgency room as if his life depended on it and blurted out any words that he could make.

 

“How is he?” The man gripped on the doctor while taking rapid breaths. “How is he?”

“Sir, I will need you to calm down for a little and tell me your name and who is the -” the doctor was cut off.

“I DON’T HAVE TIME RIGHT NOW, I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF HE’S OKAY! PLEASE. PLEASE. TELL ME.” The man was sliding to his knees, trying to catch his breath, tears flowing out ignoring the eyes of many others but catching the attention of certain individuals.

“Sir please-”

“We’ll take care of this doctor, thank you.” Another man, taller than the one on his knees arrived with a couple of others. Meanwhile, the man on the floor turned around in order to meet the group of friends’ eyes with his watered ones.

“Thank you.” And with this, the doctor left immediately, leaving the panicked male in charge of the others.

“Jongdae-ah.” The man on knees said to one of the others guys standing.

“Baekhyun, can you stand?” Jongdae said.

“How is he? How’s Chanyeol?” the kneeled man, named Baekhyun automatically said, ignoring his friend’s question.

“Baekhyun…”

“Jongdae, please answer me. How. is. He?” Baekhyun was now shaking, on the verge of a possible panic attack.

“Baekhyun… we… we -”

“Baekhyun, we don’t know either. They haven’t given us any updates ever since Chanyeol arrived here.” Another male, with glasses completed Jongdae’s sentence and at the same time, dropped the bomb on the poor man on the floor.

“What do you mean ‘we don’t know’ Kyungsoo? Someone must know of his condition. S-someone…” Baekhyun couldn’t talk anymore, he was stressed. He needed answers. And thus, he stood up and ran in direction of  the emergency room but was quickly stopped.

 

“Sehun, stop it now and let me go!” Baekhyun was thrashing around, trying to get out of the hold of his friend. Tears in his eyes while others were drying on his cheeks.

 

“Baekhyun, calm down-”

“Let me go, I want to see him!”

“Sir, please calm-”

“I want to see Chanyeol!”

“Baekhyun!”

“We are going to need to sedate him, he’s scaring the other patients.”

“He can’t die, Sehun. HE CAN’T!”

“Please do so, miss.”

“No. NO. NO!”

“Please hold him as I am sedating him.”

“Everything is going to be alright, Baek. I promise he won’t leave you that easily.”

“Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol.”

Suddenly, Baekhyun felt a sting on his arm, followed by the feels of a drug coming into effect. As the wonderland of dreams finally started to take over him, Baekhyun only thought about one’s smile. One’s name.

“ _Chanyeol… don’t leave me…_ ” 

And then, he just saw black.

  
  
  


_Baby I’m so lonely so lonely  
_

_I feel like I’m alone_

_When I see you so tired, I worry_

_that I’m baggage to you, that I’m too much_

 

_Baekhyun was listening to the newest piece of Chanyeol from the kitchen where he was trying to cook their supper. They started living together shortly after their announcement during EXO’s last concert. The fans and the media had dubbed them as the ‘KPOP Power Couple’ having the time of their lives, reporting every moment in Chanbaek’s love story and life. But with support comes hate, as the anti fans of each members and homophobes had a feast with their heads soon after, finding their dark pasts and errors and unleashing their hate on the internet. At first, it was simple words like ‘faggots’, ‘queers’, ‘daffy’. Later, they were threatening them, saying that they would find them and rip their heads off in order to save them of their sins, that they were impure and unworthy to walk beside them. They weren’t safe anywhere anymore, having to fully disguise themselves to make sure nobody who could hate them would find the couple if they were to go outside. But most of the hate was towards Chanyeol. He already had a huge amount of anti and crazy fans in his pocket and with him revealing his sexuality, it was the point of no return. Instagram, soundcloud, Twitter, YouTube, Weibo and Kakao accounts comments filled with death threats every day and his private studio was found and vandalized, causing an uproar from the other EXO members and their supporters. His mother’s restaurant, the result of years of hard work was not spared either as news of extreme vandalism towards it were announced on the reports. Since then, Chanyeol is mostly in his studio in their apartment, working on pieces and whenever he’s coming out of his solemn, he gives his time and attention to the ex-singer with loving kisses and tender hugs. But, that spark in his eyes is gone and Baekhyun doesn’t know what to do to make it return. Every time Baekhyun asks to Chanyeol the same question and he receives the same answer.  
_

_“Chanyeol, are you okay?”_

_“I sure am, my sweet little puppy.” Chanyeol would say with a small smile._

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Damn right I am. I have the cutest boyfriend in the whole universe in the house of our dreams. What else can I ask for.” Another smile would follow shortly_

  
  


_But, it never reached his eyes that were, once, full of life and dreams._

_Never did the smile displayed on his lips could be seen on his eyes…_

  
  


** May 18th, 7:01pm  **

_“Chanyeol, I just got a call from my boss, he needs me for an emergency meeting. I’ll be back in a hour top!” Baekhyun looked at his best friend and lover warmly. He didn’t want to leave, actually. But, he had to. Whenever duty calls, Baekhyun would be the first to be there._

_“Okay, I’ll see you later Baekhyunnie.”  Another smile of Chanyeol who didn’t reach his eyes. But, Baekhyun couldn’t do something about it. He promised himself that tonight would be the night. Tonight, he will have a conversation with Chanyeol. He knows the giant always tries to not become more weight on his shoulders, but Baekhyun wants to have some of Chanyeol’s burden and with his new goal in mind, he leaves their apartment in direction of his office._

_Chanyeol heard the door softly close._

_He, then, hears the click signaling Baekhyun locked the door followed with some ushered steps._

_Chanyeol is now alone. He walks slowly to the window, watching his lovely boyfriend leave in his car. He was happy Baekhyun had managed to be spared of some of the backlash of their declaration of love. They both called the outcome, honestly. Chanyeol discovered a lot of things lately. He discovered he liked to stay in the dark for some reason. Darkness was his true friend. He also discovered that he could stay at least 3 days without eating before his other half would shove a three course meal in his mouth. But, above all, he discovered a way to liberate pain. It became addicting, truly was. Everytime he felt like an abomination or a failure, he would strike himself. Whether it was his arm or his tight, he felt somewhat fine by seeing the traces of red on himself. He couldn’t tell Baekhyun though, he was ashamed of it after all. Although now, his razor wasn’t helping anymore. He needed more pain. He needed to punish himself for all the wrongs he did. Which wrongs? The tall man had no idea, he just knew he wasn’t normal and deserved to suffer. That’s what everyone told him either way. He had corrupted Baekhyun along the way. Chanyeol was sick. And he found a way to heal himself. He went to his studio and looked inside his drawer near his computer. He had prepared everything without Baekhyun knowing. He had bought non prescribed sleeping pills two weeks earlier. When he found the bottle, he looked at his small piece of heaven and maybe for the first time in forever, he smiled a true smile. A smile that reached his eyes and finally went out of his solem._

  
  


_We’re together but we’re not walking together_

_Loneliness and misery, the difference is only one memory_

_But why do you keep trying to write it as something else?_

_A razor blade, a telephone and a bottle of pills were sitting on the table in their living room while Chanyeol simply stared at those three items. Should he do it? Now was the question. Half of his soul tells him to clean himself while the other say to no. Which part should he listen. He slowly stands up and starts pacing around. He needs to think about it. Whenever he was stressed, Baekhyun told him to watch the stars outside and free his mind. And so, Chanyeol followed his boyfriend’s tip. He opened the door directing to their patio and stared at the starless sky. What a disappointment, he truly wanted to look at them at least one last time. The tall man looks around. His neighborhood. Who would truly miss him between all of these individuals? Probably no one, right? He’s only dead weight. A burden to this world. Would Baekhyun even miss him? The other members? He was truly lonely. Baekhyun would move on in no time, he probably stayed around him because he had pittied him and had no more feelings for him. The others, they all had a job now, they were living their other dreams, so why would anyone remember or even miss him? Chanyeol had now reach a decision. He went back inside and close the door before heading towards the table. He took the bottle and open the cap, taking four pills at once. He then took the blade, lift his sweater sleeves and cut himself. As much as he could. Until blood was slipping out of his skin. It was then, everything clicked. Chanyeol truly didn’t know what he was doing, he just let his mind take control. Chanyeol was indeed very sick. He could slowly feel his body become heavier by the second. His eyelids were becoming rocks and Chanyeol felt himself leaving his own body. It was a weird feeling._

_But, he somehow felt more alive then ever._

_He had the time to open his phone with his other arm and dial a certain number he knew by heart. His sister’s. It was dialing when he fell with his phone in his hand. He heard three tones while his vision was becoming more bleak. It was coming._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_He couldn't even believe his own voice anymore. Was it really him?  
_

_And then he heard her voice. His sweet sister. She didn’t deserve her brother like him._

_“Chanyeol?”_

_And as darkness took over and his soul was trying to escape his body, Chanyeol said the only thing he could think of._

_“I’m sorry.”_

_And then, black._

  
  


_Leave me alone_

_Baby I’m so lonely so lonely_

_I feel like I’m alone_

_Baby I’m so lonely so lonely_

_I feel like I’m alone_

_Still, I don’t wanna hide it from you_

_But I’m used to just holding it in_

_Understand me_

 

It was white. Everything was white and smelled like disinfectant. He could hear people rushed words and a lot of beeps, which annoyed him. Baekhyun was trying to fully understand where he was. What time is it? Better, what day is it? He softly grumbled something before lifting himself up. It was too white for his own liking.

 

“I see you have finally woken up.” Baekhyun slowly turned his head to the owner of the voice.

“Junmyeon? What happened to me? And, where are we?” Baekhyun tried to get up but Junmyeon quickly stopped him.

“We’re still in the hospital.” And everything hit Baekhyun once again. The meeting, the phone call from Yoora about Chanyeol. The dreadful ride to the hospital. Chanyeol…

“They said it was a suicide attempt.” Baekhyun said nothing, he was speechless. Junmyeon took this as a sign to continue.

“Baekhyun, Chanyeol is okay. They managed to save him inestremis. He’s a true fighter…” From there Baekhyun couldn’t hear any other word. Chanyeol was okay. He is alive. Living. He didn’t know he was crying until he felt Junmyeon hugging him tightly. He was shaking and sobbing. Thanking every god he knew. His Chanyeol was okay.

“I already know that you are probably blaming yourself for everything Baek but please understand that this isn’t your fault as much as it isn’t Chanyeol’s. We couldn’t know what was happening. I wished I could’ve talked to him before. Everyone does. But now, we will all be here for him to share some of his burden. So, we will need you to be strong Baekhyun. Be strong of the two of you.” Said man only nodded his head before having another round of tears. Baekhyun didn’t even know he fell asleep in his leader’s arm and protection.

  


At first, it was hard for Chanyeol to look at Baekhyun directly in the eyes after he had woken up. He was scared Baekhyun would be mad at him for what he did. But, it was the opposite. Baekhyun ran into his warmth and hugged him tighter than anything. Chanyeol could feel his body shaking and tears dripping down on his hospital robe. But, it was okay.

 

“Don’t leave me alone, Chanyeol. I don’t think I could survive that.” Baekhyun sobbed and Chanyeol held him even tighter if it was possible. He knew that from now on, he would have to work on himself, tell his emotions more. The other members were watching with unshed tears in their eyes. They would take some of his burden, Chanyeol felt it when he looked at their eyes. Sehun was comforting his sister who came as fast as she could when Junmyeon called her to tell her the news. His parents also heard it but since they couldn’t find someone who would take care of their business, they had to wait until they had closed their restaurant and cafe before coming. But, they were thankful their baby was alive.

 

Chanyeol felt loved. 

Chanyeol felt ready to share some of his burden.

 

They would be okay.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly speaking, at first I wanted to cancel the whole story. Why? Well, I couldn't even look at my file for more than 3 minutes before quickly closing the tab. I kept pushing and pushing the publication of this and when the news hit, it was a whole mess. No matter how many times we say it, some might never understand: Mental health is precious. Mental illness isn't a joke. What you write to idols is serious. They read it and they have as much feelings as we do. Take it into consideration.
> 
> Thank you for reading this story.
> 
> PS: The lyrics you can read throughout the story are from Jonghyun's song titled Lonely.
> 
> Kiffypoof

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> This is the prelude of the sequel of Out. Honestly, I wasn't able to write the rest of the story because if I forced myself to write anything more, I'll cry. I decided to stay with the reality of today's world. Unfortunately, we are not living in a world full of rainbows. This world is a beautiful cruel world where not everyone is accepted for who they truly are. Before anybody ask, no, I do not hate gay people. Any malicious comments and gay slurs seen in this story aren't my option. I appreciate diversity and that starts with the LGBT community, you guys are strong individuals. Managing to survive through everything everyday. But, unfortunately, even the strongest sometimes can't float. And thus, I will put the trigger warning option. I definitely recommend to anyone with soft hearts to not read this. Anyone who experienced suicidal thoughts to not read this. I do not wish to trigger anyone. This story might take a while before being revealed to the world. I won't disclosed who exactly is at the emergency room. I will let you live in the suspense of trying to guess who. I never wish for any of the EXO members to go through this. If one or more member are somehow homosexual, please support them no matter what. Before leaving you all, please write a comment so I know what you think of this story. If you are one of the more quiet readers, please give a kudos. I want to make sure I ain't wasting anyone's nor my time with this story.
> 
> Until then,
> 
> Kiff


End file.
